Almost
by ilovedyouguinevere
Summary: When love is involved it's hard to let go. Kurt attempts to get over Finn.
1. Failures and Hypocrites

I had to do it. As much as it hurt, as much as it burnt me up inside, I had to do it. Had to let go.  
It wasn't even like I didn't know this would happen eventually. I_knew_that it would end in heartbreak. End in me broken inside.  
So I took a deep breath and tried to pull myself together. Which was hard with all the noise. There was the screaming of Vocal Adrenaline. The shrieks of joy from that group in white. And the bright lights in my face.  
It's funny how things change. While we were performing those lights seemed to be only making us more enthusiastic. Now they served the purpose of opening our eyes to the stark reality.  
Glee club was over.  
We didn't even _place._Figgins had no reason not to cancel the club. And that meant that my dream of being with Finn was over. Glee was what gave me the hope that it could be real. And now it was over.  
What was supposed to be the greatest day of my life had turned out to be the lowest and darkest. Well, since that day ten years ago that still brings pain in unexpected places.  
Losing, seeing Finn and Rachel hug and share something special, the drama with Quinn- it all came down on me at once and I felt my calm and cool facade beginning to crack.  
Why did she get everything? The killer voice, the guys pining after her like puppies, the solos, Finn- they were all hers. It wasn't fair. I tried just as hard, if not harder to get Finn and he still runs into her arms.  
We start to leave the stage, dark, depressing parodies of ourselves. Slowly walking down the steps with nothing but a tiny figurine to show for our months of practice. It feels like a sick joke. Like we've all been given this chance just so that we can fail.  
The next few minutes are a blur. I can remember sad voices, apologies and my dad's face but my next coherent thoughts come in my room. It's dark and I'm alone. Finn is off at some party planned for our supposed victory. The mood is no doubt sombre but him and Rachel are with no doubt stuck to each other like glue. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick inside.  
I have to try and think of something to say to Finn. Something to create closure. Something to make things right.  
I go through a million different phrases in my head but they all seem wrong. Either too depressing or too confusing or just innapropriate.  
Because how much of my "crush" did Finn really understand. Did he mistake it for an attraction instead of love? We only ever mentioned it once and that was at a time that I didn't want to think about. Even then he didn't say much. Only that he "saw the way I looked at him".  
God, was it that obvious?  
I curl into a ball on my head and, very unlike me, start to cry. What starts off as small tears soon turns into sobs that rock my body one by one. I'm surprised that dad doesn't come to see but then I realize that he probably just thinks I'm depressed about the loss at Regionals. Which is partly true but also so wrong.  
Eventually I hear Finn coming home. His truck (a birthday present from my dad) pulls in and a few minutes later I hear him come down the steps into our room.  
"Kurt?" he asks "you okay?"  
I don't reply.  
"Okay, I know you're torn up about this but we were all talking about it at the party and just because Glee club isn't over that doesn't mean everything it stood for is over".  
Something snaps inside of me and before I can control myself it's all coming out. "Do you honestly think that Puck is going to stop throwing me in dumpsters, that Quinn will stay nice, that Brittany and me will stay friends? Because that's what all you popular kids are. You're hypocrites! Glee was nice for you and it was fun while it lasted but you will _never_leave your past behind Finn. What you were before is what you will always be!" I sink back into my bed and close my eyes.  
I expect a reaction, a contradiction of what I just said but all that I am met with is silence.


	2. Confessions and Garage Bands

**A/N: Hey everyone. I was kinda disappointed about the number of reviews but the one I did get was good (thank you ****) so I decided to carry on.**

**If you have any ideas or little scenes you want me to put in feel free to make suggestions.**

**And if you like it- review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, Kurt, Mercedes or Paramore. But Michael could be mine. I'm not all too sure. Maybe Fox and I could share?**

The melody of voices soothed my mind and, as I joined in, I finally felt whole. Like I was a part of something special. I was still on a high from my revelation to Finn.

"I honestly love you". Pure and simple, no hidden agenda or fear-stained lie.

The waiting was hard. The silence that met my statement seemed to hang in the auditorium like a sick, nauseous smoke. Then it was broken by his angelic baritone.

He skirted the topic (what more did I expect from a quarterback) but I knew he understood.

That my life was his, that without him I was empty. That every day I saw him was like a reassurance that I was something- more than just a hollowed out stereotype.

His gaze caught mine again and I felt my heart flutter- trying to ignore the fact that his hand was intertwined with Quinn's and that the very song we were now singing was one of hope for their relationship.

In an unexpected fit of courage, no doubt brought on by being around those I love the most, I decided to do something drastic. I knew that Finn had understood my confession but a small, doubtful, shameful part of me had to be sure.

_So call me, call me_

I raised my hand to my ear and gave Finn an undisguised smile.

My heart skipped a beat when he returned it, lopsided and beautiful

I am awoken by the sound of Finn's truck starting but it's the shattering of my dream by reality that really gets me up.

I find it easier to forget the hole in my chest when I'm doing something so I begin to busy myself with the usual morning routine which I have become so accustomed to.

Wash face, apply skin cream, take out outfit for today, make bed, wash off cream, put on outfit, brush hair, apply hairspray, and put silk pyjamas in laundry basket. Soon my romance problems are at the very back of my mind.

_Today is the first day of Summer and I'll be damned if Finn is going to ruin it for me_ I think as I walk up the steps out of my room.

The house smells of chip and dip and sweat and I remember that Finn and dad had some friends over to watch the game the night before. Not for the first time I am thankful of how separate my room is from the rest of the house.

The heat outside is intoxicating and I'm forced to turn the air-conditioning in my car on to prevent myself from having to open my window later and mess up my hair. As I pull out the driveway I see our neighbour- Mrs Richardson, tending to her garden and give her a wave and a smile. I have to remind myself yet again that I'm not going to let Finn get me down.

The drive to Mercedes's house is quiet and uneventful and before I can even let myself begin to sink into the pitiful mess that I often drift into while doing menial, boring things like driving, I've arrived.

The noise of bass guitar and drums hits me as I open my car door. Mercedes's brother must be home for the Summer and reuniting with his old band friends.

Although I've only ever spoken to Michael two or three times I can't help but respect him for putting up with a live-wire like Mercedes for his whole life. But where Mercedes is hyperactive and crazy Michael has always been grounded and calm. Even though they're polar opposites, Mercedes and Michael are textbook inseparable.

I know no one will hear me so I don't even bother knocking on the garage door and let myself straight in. What was loud outside is deafening in the garage. Michael is hitting the drums so hard that I swear his sticks are going to break and Mercedes is hitting some abnormally high notes. When my ears adjust, I recognize the song as Paramore's _Brick by Boring Brick. _After a few seconds Mercedes realizes I'm there and her face breaks into a smile.

"Kurt! How nice of you to pop in". She shoots a scheming look at Michael and the other members of the band who are slowly starting to notice me. "You came just in time" she continues "We're trying to spread out the vocals in this song and we were wondering whether an extra voice would help". I suddenly realize what she wants.

"Oh no no no" I say, waving my hands in front of my face. "Rock is _not_ my thing, get Tina or something"

"C'mon, just give it a try" she begs and her puppy dog face is mimicked by the rest of the band, an action which is as unflattering to me as it is desperate.

But I cave anyway. It is Mercedes after all.

"Oh whatever, but just once okay?"

Mercedes pumps her fist in the air and grabs an extra microphone. As she hands it to me she gives a little gasp and spins around to face the guy playing the bass guitar.

"I am _so_ rude! I forgot to introduce you to Sam! He's our new bass player."

Sam has dark blonde hair and these big lips and I have to take a deep breathe because he's just that gorgeous.

"Sam's transferring to McKinley at the start of the school year, he's from Austin, Texas" Mercedes says but her voice seems far away and disconnected.

"Hey Sam" I hear myself say and I get a head spinning smile and a nod in return.

_No Kurt!_ I scream at myself. _Remember Finn? _

Just the thought of Finn is enough to wake me from my trance and with what I hoped was a casual yet assertive flick of my hair I turned around to face Mercedes again.

"Let's do this" I say with a grin.

Michael starts a beat and before I know it I'm lost in the song.

_Go get your shovel, and we'll dig a deep hole. To bury the castle, bury the castle._

I had to let go of Finn. He was stopping me from doing so much. And, although I knew that I would soon be pining after him all over again, I couldn't help but imagine this as my new beginning.


	3. Makeovers and Surprises

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to micmeetsrachel for helping me brainstorm ideas **

**Please read and review and don't be afraid to give constructive criticism.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. If I did things would be VERY different in McKinley.**

Up in Mercedes's room things are quiet.

Her mom and dad are out for dinner with Michael, leaving her and I alone here with our thoughts.

"Kurt I know it may seem hard, but you have to let go of this crush for Finn" Mercedes says quietly.

I had been stupid to think that she hadn't known about my love for him. Being my best friend she had figured it all out months ago and had just been waiting for me to talk about it in my own time.

"Cedes, you don't understand" I reply, my voice battered from the crying. "I love him". It sounds strange- actually hearing myself say it out loud. What has always existed in my head is now out in the open and I don't know whether I like it.

Mercedes takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. I see a lone tear journey down her cheek.

"Okay white boy" she suddenly says, her voice kind yet assertive at the same time "you are seriously starting to depress me with this whole crazy-in-love crap". It sounds cruel yet I can see past the sassiness in the statement.

I groan and flop backwards so that I'm lying on her bed.\

"You know what I need?" I ask the purple walls. "I need a distraction. Something to get my mind off of the crap that's happening to me".

Mercedes smiles and takes out her cellphone. "What you need is a girl's night out" she says with a giggle and just the mention of those three words is enough to cheer me up. I sit up straight and find myself beginning to uncontrollably make plans.

"Tina and Quinn?"

"Who else?"

In half an hour we're ready. Tina and Quinn are going to meet us outside Starbucks and from there we are going to indulge in a little retail therapy.

Sinced Mercedes doesn't have a car we get into mine. And as my Diva mix begins to play I feel as if, for the first time in months, I'm actually capable of taking my life into my own hands.

**Seven Months Before**

Why am I even here? The air is fumigated with the vile scent of overly buttered popcorn and I can literally feel everyone's eyes on me.

And not even in the good way.

_In a few minutes you'll be out of here_ I tell myself. _All you need is that sound mixing hardware from radio shack._

But, just to make my day even worse, Radio Shack is out of stock and I'm forced to return home empty handed.

I'm trying to get out as quickly as I possibly can when I see them. Karofsky and Azimio. They're dressed in their football jackets and they're walking in that slow, deliberate sort of way that makes my blood freeze whenever I see it.

I have to leave before they see me but the only possible hiding place is the ladies bathroom.

Well it's not like I've never been in there before so I make a break for the pink door.

If they see me then Karofsky and Azimio don't make any sign of it and I make it into the bathroom unscathed.

It takes me a few moments to regain my breath and, when I do, I go over to the mirrors to see if my escape has been detrimental to my hair in any way.

My hand freezes halfway o the hairspray pouch of my satchel when I hear it.

There is a quiet sobbing noise emanating from the only occupied bathroom stall. I can't believe that I didn't pick up on it before because, for such a crappy mall, the bathrooms here are pretty well sound-proofed and the background chatter has been almost completely cut off.

"Um, whoever's in there, do you need help or something?" I ask, walking over to the stall. Which, in hindsight, is a pretty idiotic move to make being a boy in the ladies room and all.

"Kurt, is that you?"

_Oh God, it's Mercedes Jones_

My memories of Mercedes are almost entirely comprised of her storming out of Glee practices or going off on diva rants.

"No, this is uh, Puck" I say dropping my voice two octaves and hoping that she'll think I'm trying to find women to sleep with or something.

I don't think it's working. I know for a fact that Puck's choice picking-up-chicks spot is the local library.

I breath a deep sigh of relief when a giggle escapes from the still locked stall. It's followed by a hiccup.

For a few seconds I'm not really sure what to do. Run away? Stay and see what's wrong?

Luckily the question is answered for me when Mercedes opens he door to reveal a teary, pathetic version of her usually fierce self.

"Oh Mercedes" I gasp as she throws herself into my arms. Once again I'm pretty stumped. Is this some ploy to embarrass me yet again? Or is Mercedes truly opening herself up to me? I see no reason as to why she would do this. I was, after all, responsible for passing a snide comment about her fashion sense on several occasions and it wasn't like we'd ever had a heart to heart before.

But as she continued crying I was forced to push my doubts into the back of my mind. Mercedes needed help and she needed it now. The obvious first step was to find out what was wrong but that was going to be tricky in our current location.

"Listen Mercedes; let's go somewhere where we're less likely to be interrupted okay?" Her face is still buried in my chest.

I feel her give a faint nod and, before we leave, I wipe her face with a tissue. Her eyes are still red and blotchy but at least it's no longer wet.

We leave and luckily no one sees me (I hope). I realize that I haven't actually made a plan as to where we'll go.

So we go to the first place I see which happens to be Starbucks.

And after we order (decaf for me, for her) Mercedes begins to open up to me.

"It's Quinn" she says "her and those cheerio bitches". Her voice breaks and I place my hand and top of hers to reassure her that I'm here and listening.

"I just can't handle their hateful comments anymore. You get what I'm trying to say right? It's not like you don't get your fair share of crap from Puck and Finn".

_Not Finn _I think but I just nod and rol my eyes to show her I understand. "I just wish I could become a new person" she continues "someone people would think twice about teasing".

I am hit by a stroke of pure, undiluted brilliance no doubt inspired by the fabulous coffee which Starbucks serves. I make a mental note to come again.

"Mercedes, that actually isn't hard to do" I say with a smile. "Just think of yourself as Sandy and me as your Frenchy".

"You as my what-what?" Mercedes asks but I don't have time to answer because we're on a tight schedule. I grab her by the arm and pull her out of Starbucks.

Before we begin I run back inside to pay the bill but after that we're ready to go.

Our first stop is the local designer clothes store. Only once I've shoved a pile of clothes into her hands do I realize that it's Mercedes's first time here.

"Where are the changing rooms?" she asks, a little overwhelmed at the price tags and judgemental workers who keep looking at her three-quarter cargo pants with what appears to be a mixture of horror and rage.

Oh the things we do for fashion.

Two hours later Mercedes is wearing a stylish hoodie and a pair of designer jeans and has her hair straightened and layered. She looks amazing and I am certain that, without a doubt, this is my best work.

But we still have one more thing to do.

At the goldsmith's I place an order for a necklace that reads MERCEDES. This appears to be the final straw and as we collapse with our numerous bags back at Starbucks Mercedes bursts into tears. However, these aren't the tears she shed in the girl's bathroom earlier.

"I can't believe you did this for me Kurt" she whimpers and attempts to hug me across the table which doesn't really work out to well.

We're still laughing on the way back to my house.

**Present**

I brush away a tear before Mercedes can see it. Thinking of the good days always makes me like this.

The night had been amazing. When I'm with my girls it's so easy to forget the troubles that plague me.

We'd seen a movie then had dinner at the mall as well. Tina told us about funny things Artie had done and Quinn showed us a picture Shelby had sent of Beth. She seemed to be taking the whole process extremely well.

Besides Mercedes, nobody knew what the real purpose behind the night was but I think Quinn guessed. She kept shooting me encouraging glances whenever I was feeling particularly detached and it's that sort of subtle help that really makes me appreciate her as a friend. She isn't like Mercedes but Quinn does care.

I wondered whether she would revert back to her old ways when school started and she had the chance to try out for the cheerios again.

By the time we pulled into Mercedes's driveway I was feeling more complete than I had in months.

"You're sure you don't want to spend the night here?" Mercedes asks. Surprisingly, her parents were okay with me doing that every once in a while.

"I'm sure" I reply "I left all my moisturizer at home and I couldn't possibly miss a day of my schedule"

"All right but call me tomorrow so we can meet up okay?"

"Sure"

My headlights illuminate Mercedes waving and I wave back as I reverse back into the street.

The streetlights dance in front of my eyes in a steady hypnotic pattern which helps me think as I drive back home.

After today I'm sure that, with the right amount of effort, I can make my love for Finn a thing of the past. I'm not denying that it's going to be hard, just admitting that it' possible.

One thing is certain though, I've learnt my lesson. No more unrealistic crushes. Hell, after this ordeal I'm ready to become the new head of the celibacy club.

I wondered whether Finn was a home. He had been out somewhere with Rachel all day but it was late so he was probably back.

I made an effort to be quiet as I entered the house. All the lights were off and dad, Carole and Finn were probably asleep thinking that I had decided to stay with Mercedes for the night.

If I hadn't been trying so hard to remain silent as I walked down the steps I wouldn't have heard it.

"Finn" it was Rachel's voice, almost unrecognizable behind a haze of lust.

I couldn't stop my eyes from making out the shapes in the darkness. The movement of Finn's bed. The obvious forms of two bodies in the act of making love.

The slow, quiet moans that drove knives into my heart.

I couldn't stop myself from running to the upstairs bathroom as fast as I could, not caring about who heard me.

And I definitely couldn't stop myself from vomiting up my entire dinner and lunch into the toilet bowl.


	4. Crying and Holding

**A/N: Hey guys, thanks for all the reviews. I really hope you like this chapter.**

**PS: This chapter is dedicated to asGracebreathes for all the nice support **

What's wrong with me?

What's the point in even trying anymore?

My face is twisted into an unrecognizable mask. I stopped counting the tears when I stopped caring- which was forever ago.

Time no longer means anything. When the past is too terrible to think about and the future is so uncertain that it makes you sick things change perspective.

Even breathing is hard and the fits of hyperventilation have reduced me to a fetal form drawn into a ball on the cold bathroom floor.

Without thinking I reach up and flush the toilet again. It's futile, I know, but at least it makes things seem slightly cleaner. But in five minutes I'll puke again and the process will start all over again.

When sunlight begins to peek through the window I am abhorred. How can life move on when the very fabric that holds me together has been shredded and torn?

A small voice in an almost forgotten part of me is screaming that I'm overreacting; that it was obvious that Finn and Rachel were doing each other and that I was stupid to be surprised. And, as much as I want to listen to the voice and pull myself together, I simply can't. There's a huge wall between me and rationality and it has love written all over it.

Love

A word which once inspired childlike fantasies and idiotic dreams in me. The word which makes me want to bury myself in bed and never come out. The word which causes me to doubt my sanity and wonder whether I'm normal. The word that caused all the trouble in my life.

It's the fear of my father walking in and finding me that finally causes ,e to get up on shaky legs and drag myself to my room. Is it even my room anymore when such a heinous and disgusting act has occurred there?

Is maybe still occurring there?

I change direction and head towards the lounge.

The couch feels like a caress and, before I know it, I'm asleep.

My dreams are blurry and confusing, not really anything in particular yet still frustrating in their ambiguity.

I am awoken by the feeling of being lifted by someone and carried. I feel myself being taken downstairs to my room and placed on my bed.

Only when it's clear that the carrier has moved away do I open my eyes.

Finn is sitting on his bed with his head in his hands, shaking back and forth. The action is so strange and completely not like Finn that I can't stop myself from gasping.

Which causes the air to catch on my battered throat and invokes a coughing fit.

"Kurt" I hear Finn get up again and walk over to my bed. His voice sounds strange. I'm facing the other direction now so I don't know what the expression on his face is. Disgust? Worry? I'm inclined to think the former.

"Did you see, uh, Rachel and I earlier?" The knives plunge deeper into my heart and I blink back the hot, salty tears.

"Because I'm sorry" he sighs. "I didn't mean for you to see any of that. I thought you were out for the night with like Mercedes or something". It's clear that he's finding it hard to articulate his thoughts.

"Well it's clear you were enjoying yourself" I say, still not facing him. "And I'm sure you'll be doing it again sooner rather than later".

There's so much more that I want to say but I can't think straight.

The tears are flowing freely now and I gasp at the physical pain this encounter is causing me.

Because I'm still in love with him. As much as I tried to dissuade myself- it's true. I love Finn with everything inside of me.

A pair of giant arms surround me and before I can think about how weird this is the gut-wrenching sobs overtake me.

I'm breaking down inside but the arms stop me from disintegrating. He doesn't say anything for a long time and just holds me until the crying has done its course.

There isn't anything sexual about the gesture but that's not what I need. The companionship of what Finn is doing is what makes me so grateful to him. A sexual gesture would have just confused me more whereas this friendship is what is keeping me from falling apart.

I never want this moment to end but, in my mind, I know that it has to.

When it does end I expect everything to come crashing down again but I actually feel okay. Finn has acted like glue, putting me back together. I don't know how long it will last but I'm scared to test the limits.

Finn is going up the stairs. Leaving me alone with my strangely calm confusion. Before he exits I hear him clear his throat.

"Kurt I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I love Rachel so much because I know how much that hurts you. I'm sorry that I can never love you. I'm sorry that I ever caused you to love me in the first place. I'm sorry okay?"

Love again. Stupid, stupid love.

And he's gone.

I just lie there for a while. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel. But most of all I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

All I know is that the hole inside of me is gone. Completely gone. I can still feel the wound that it left but the pain is definitely not there.

But I still don't know what to do.


	5. Tulips and Rain

**A/N: Sorry about the long wait guys but I had a debating tournament to go to and a whole lot of tests in school. But your patience means a lot to me and has been rewarded with a new chapter **

**I don't you usually do this but if you go to my bio you'll find a playlist of songs that go with this chapter. They really helped me with the mood and I think that by listening to them while reading this you'll get a more enriched experience…or you could just read it without music. But I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!**

After I've lain in bed for what seems like an age I finally muster up the strength necessary to get out of bed. My joints feel tired and sore but I'm not letting myself stay in this semi-comatose state. I need to do something that will get me distracted.

So I change out of my old clothes and into some comfortable and casual ones that don't limit my movements. As I climb up the stairs I realize that it is probably late afternoon by now and I haven't kept my promise to Mercedes and phoned her.

It will be fine, I think. She'll probably just think I forgot or something and organize to go out with Tina or Quinn instead of me. She'll understand.

The house betrays me by being noisy and full of life. Carole is cooking up a storm in the kitchen and Dad is shouting at the TV while a bunch of sweaty men run around in disgusting uniforms. I sigh and make my movements light so that I won't be seen.

I envy my parent's perfect lives. Carole is happier than she's ever been and I'm fairly certain I can say the same for dad. He's finally gotten the son he wanted and, with it, a woman who he can rely on and share his feelings with.

And I don't feel bad at all. I'm not a sociopath; I love the fact that they're so fulfilled. It's just that I don't fit in anymore.

But who am I kidding, I've never fit in. My whole life has been a case study in detachment. Although Dad doesn't realise it, him and I have been steadily drifting apart ever since mom died. She was the anchor to our family, the jelly that held the two drastically different parts of the sandwich together. And I never realized how important she was until she was gone.

But isn't that the way that things always go? As humans we neglect to really appreciate what we have until it is violently and suddenly ripped out of our hands. And the more violent and more sudden the ripping the more sudden and violent the realization of how long the future will be without it.

Without mom here to guide us through these turbulent years I don't know where dad and I will end up. The pessimist inside of me wonders whether we will make it to graduation but whenever he rears his head there's always the positive part of me cheering me up with memories of good times shared. Of the many compromises we've made and the many moments of understanding.

I'm taking a risk going where I'm going today. The last time I was there was a day that will forever remain etched in my memory. And not in a good way.

The rain makes a confusing pattern on my windscreen and I turn the wipers on before I crash and thank myself for wearing a trench coat that isn't a designer brand. Next to me, on the passenger seat is a bouquet of flowers. Tulips- they were always her favourite and will forever be the smell that I associate with my mother.

I like the way that the rain changes things. Lots of people like the cleanliness and freshness of the world after rain but for me this is nothing compared to what it looks like during it. Transformed from a still image to a moving one Lima has never seemed more beautiful. Rivulets and pools begin to form and the myriad of umbrellas, each with their own unique colour, make up a breath-taking canvas.

The cemetery isn't far from my house, a fact that often played a part in my inner pro-con visiting my mother's grave arguments.

And, as I walk up the steps to the grassy field, umbrella in one hand and tulips in the other, I actually wish I'd visited before. I know my dad has but every time he returns he's unnaturally quiet and reserved. And he's never offered to take me with him.

I thought that visiting this place would invoke yet another emotional breakdown in me but the opposite is actually occurring. As my mother's grave draws closer I feel a deep sense of calm fall upon me, the likes of which I haven't felt for a very long time.

I push the confusing thoughts of Finn to the back of my mind and focus on the grey, oval shape, starting a mantra.

I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry mom.

I place the tulips on the ground in front of the tombstone and read the epitaph.

_Julia Joan Hummel_

_1969-2003_

_Loving, mother, wife and sister. Will be forever missed._

My mother gave up her Broadway career to live with my dad, only to be killed by a drunk driver in an accident when I was nine. She had long, beautiful brown hair and startling green eyes. When she sang the universe quietened like Orpheus had returned from the underworld. All this I know from my faint and blurry memories and from the few times my dad has spoken about her.

I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry mom.

The bench next to the grave captures me and I let loose all my emotions. Finn, the bullying, the daily torment I go through- it's all present in my outburst.

I pour my pain at being different, at being so alone into it. Every sad thought I've experienced since mom's death is removed and placed on the ground with the flowers.

I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry mom.

I'm not looking for an explanation. I'm not looking for closure. I'm just looking for a brief (so brief) reprieve from the crap in my life right now.

I've dropped my umbrella and the rain sticks to my body. My hair hangs in wet clumps on my forehead and my clothes sag onto me but I don't care. Right now all that exists is me and my mother.

She's there listening to the things I scream, not scolding me for shouting or losing my temper. Her hand is on my shoulder and she nods and understands everything I say.

I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry mom.

I can't feel the tears through the rain. I don't see Quinn until she's right there in front of me.

She's been crying too.

"Quinn" I say, neither a question or a greeting.

"Kurt" she replies and sits next to me. I shiver when she places her arm over my shoulder. That's where mom's was.

"Did you hear that?" I ask quietly.

"It doesn't matter" she replies. "What matters is that you're hurting Kurt and you're too afraid to show anyone but yourself"

"Why are you here?"

"I come here to think. I had a twin brother but he died when we were babies. It's nice to be able to come here and be alone and think. Thinking is nice" I understand where she's coming from completely. Thinking _is _nice.

"Well we've both had a lot to think about lately" I say with a dry chuckle.

Quinn joins in and before I know it we're both laughing, here on the cemetery bench with no one but the ghosts of people's loved ones to hear us.

"We're pretty messed-up individuals" Quinn says and I have to agree.

"You know Quinn, we're both pretty similar" I say to her. "I mean I didn't carry a baby in my womb for nine months and then give it up but we're both trying to come to grips with wanting something we can never have. You want that life with Beth and I want Finn. But neither of us can have those things"

Quinn smiles. "Has anyone ever told you how perceptive you are Kurt?" she asks.

"No, not really" I reply truthfully "at least not out loud".

We end up taking a walk down the river that runs next to the cemetery. For a place where dead people are buried it's actually quite pretty. Every few feet there are welcoming patches of flowers, their colours enriched by the rain.

All the hues of this place are rich and powerful. From the green of the grass to the grey of the sky to the yellow of the daffodils it is as if we're in a world where the visual sense rules over all others.

The rain dies down as we exit the cemetery and enter the park next door. Here there are a few signs of life. A homeless man sits on the path next to the river, a blanket all that separates him from the cold.

"I still love him" Quinn says as we throw bread to the ducks. "Not like you do, I think, but I still love him".

This comes as a surprise. I always thought of Quinn as one of those indestructible people, capable of getting over someone without a hitch. But now it seems that she's just as vulnerable as the rest of us. Going from the very top to the very bottom will do that to you I guess.

"I dream about him every night" I tell her.

"Oh, I remember those days" she says with a laugh. "It gets better Kurt, I promise. Even though it may seem like life is impossible without him it does get better".

"Thank you" I whisper and I truly am. Before, when Mercedes tried to cheer me up, despite having the best intentions, she lacked the empathy. Her relationship with Puck was the sort of non –serious one that I've always prayed I will never have but with Quinn it's like I'm talking to my very own custom Doctor Phil.

As we cross the bridge to the other side of the river and begin to double back towards the cemetery Quinn starts humming a tune.

"What are you humming?" I ask.

Quinn seems embarrassed that I've noticed but tells me anyway. "Signal fire by Snow Patrol. I've been listening to it a lot lately".

"Me too" I admit with surprise. I know it sounds strange but it's actually been one of the things keeping me together over the past few weeks.

And then, like in a bad movie we begin to sing the song together. We're alone on this side of the river so there's no one to hear us but we're not looking for recognition. As the words and harmonies grow stronger I begin to lose myself in the environment.

Quinn's voice is pure and simple and, mixed with mine; a perfect sound is created for me to fall into. Before I know it we're at the car park outside the ceremony.

"Thank you Kurt" Quinn says as she hugs me and gets into her car. What have I done that deserves thanks?

And as I get into my own car I feel washed and cleaned, as if the rain has done its course inside of me and washed all the bad, negative feelings away.


	6. Screaming and Kissing

The next day is still rainy so I decide to give Mercedes a call and see if she's busy.

I think that last night was the best I've slept in months. For the first time in as long as I can remember I wasn't awoken by the sound of my tears. And I didn't dream of Finn once. I actually had a pleasantly creepy dream where Sue Sylvester decided to take over the world and chose me as her sidekick.

I chuckle quietly to myself as I remember the dream and how I woke up just before discovering who was planning to bomb Sue's headquarters (the auditorium).

Finn is out again today with Rachel. They're doing something so excruciatingly soppy and romantic that I dare not think of it and instead focus on trying to guess what Carole is knitting as I wait for Mercedes to pick up the phone.

"Hey Kurt" I can hear her smile through the phone-line.

"Hey Cedes, listen I'm sorry I didn't call yesterday but I got really busy. Care to make it up by doing something today?"

"It's okay" she replies "I got hung up helping my bro's band with stuff so we wouldn't have been able to do anything anyway. But today I'm totally free. Meet here in half an hour?"

"I'll be there in twenty minutes".

Carole looks up from her knitting as I hang up the phone. "Going out Kurt?" she asks.

"Yeah, over to Mercedes's house" I reply "I was supposed to go there yesterday but I got carried away with stuff". Neither Carole, my dad or Finn know that I went to visit my mother's grave yesterday and I intend to keep it that way. The things that happened there will stay between me and Quinn forever.

I've also decided not to tell anyone about Finn and I's special moment yesterday morning. That's something I also intend to remain between just us.

I'm keeping a lot of special moments secret lately.

The umbrella that I used yesterday is still sitting on the porch outside and I grab it and open it as I make my way to my car. I'm wearing Alexander McQueen today and I'll be damned if it gets wet.

As I enter the car I'm met with the lingering smell of tulips from yesterday. It makes me feel better. I smile and start the car.

It only takes fifteen minutes to get to Mercedes's house and all the way there I think about the past few days. It's strange to think that it's only Monday morning. School ended on Friday and on Saturday night we went to the mall and I caught Finn and Rachel. Then yesterday was the whole cemetery incident. Just one weekend. Probably the most eventful in my life so far.

But it's fitting that today is Monday. A fresh start, a new week. I like that thought and make a promise to myself that I will try my hardest to make this week the first one in my new life. Which means letting go of all the bad things in my old life.

The band isn't rehearsing so I get to park in the empty space in the garage and save myself from getting wet. Mercedes said she would be in the living room so I lock my car and walk through the kitchen and dining room.

Mercedes is sitting on the beanbag in the living room and Michael and some other guy are on the couch. It takes me a second to put a name to the face but I remember that the guy's name is Sam. He's the bass player in Michael's band. And he's as gorgeous as ever.

"Hey guys" I say "what are we doing today?"

"Kurt!" Mercedes says with a smile. "You're just in time, we're about to start a movie".

So we'll be watching a movie. I'm okay with that, it's actually one of the only things we could be doing today what with the rain and all.

"Could you get the popcorn from the microwave?" Michael asks.

"Sure" I say and walk back to the kitchen to fetch it. There's a big bowl next to the microwave with popcorn already in it so I open the one from inside and pour the contents into the bowl.

"So, what are we watching?" I ask as I put the bowl on the coffee table and sit down in the only empty space in the room- next to Sam on the couch.

"When a stranger calls" Sam says with a chuckle. "Mercedes chose it so forgive us if it sucks".

"When a stranger calls? Isn't that like a horror or something?" I ask.

"Yeah" Mercedes replies from the TV where she's starting up the DVD.

A horror. That's exactly what I need.

"Hey Kurt, could you pass that pillow?" Sam asks.

As I turn around and give it to him, Sam gives me a smile. And there's something about the smile. He's directing it at me. _Straight_ at me. My heart flutters as I return it.

My thoughts are soon distracted away from the smile when a girl is murdered in the first five minutes of the movie. The rest of it is a slow build up to a heart pounding climax in which I scream way more than I should.

But during the movie some strange stuff happens. And I'm not talking about in the movie. I'm talking about in the Jones family's living room.

The first weird thing occurs when I reach for the popcorn and my hand brushes against Sam's. I try to ignore the spark of electricity runs through my arm but the fact that Sam winks at me makes this almost impossible.

I refuse to believe that Sam likes me in that way. The very concept is ludicrous. Sam is gorgeous and I'm just…..well I'm just plain and normal. Even if he was gay, he would not be interested.

Not that I think Sam is gay. I don't know why but I just don't feel it. But, come to think of it, I haven't really ever known enough (any) other gay guys to become adept in reading sexuality.

Then, when the biggest scare of the film comes along and we all scream and jump, I end up half sitting on half leaning against Sam. Michael is way too busy telling Mercedes off for grabbing his arm to notice the position we're now in but all Sam does is laugh and wait for me to climb back into my position. No shoving me off or shouting at me or anything.

My face goes uncomfortably hot.

After the movie I check my phone for messages and get one from Carole.

_Kurt- could you please pick our stuff up from the dry cleaners? I know that it's on the way back from the Jones's and it would save me from going out._

_Love Carole _

It was 11:30 now so if I left I could be back home at around 12:15 for lunch.

"Hey guys, sorry but I've got to go and pick some stuff up from the dry cleaner's for Carole" I say "Hope you don't mind me leaving early".

"It's okay" Michael says. "I just hope you can drive after that".

"I'm sure I can" I laugh.

"I think I need to get home as well" Sam adds "my parents are dragging me and my sisters off to some market out of town this afternoon. Do you mind dropping me off Kurt? I came here with Michael and my house is on the way to the dry cleaner's".

"Sure" I reply, wishing that the prospect of being in a confined space with Sam didn't make me feel so exited.

Sam remarks on my car's make and model, something that I don't know despite having the father I have.

"Yeah, it's nice right?" I say stupidly.

"You can say that again"

Sam whistles as he sees my seat covers.

I start the car and pull out of the driveway.

"So Kurt, what can you tell me about yourself?"

Okay something is seriously up. We've only been in the car like twenty seconds. My optimistic side begins to wonder. Just wonder….

"Well, uh, I'm 16" I say awkwardly. "I live with Finn Hudson because my dad and his mom are engaged. I like music and reading and I hate fish". The last part is random but I can't think of anything else to say. "And you?"

Sam grins. "I'm 16 as well" he begins "I have two sisters, one's seven and the other's eleven. My mom and dad are lawyer's" (he pulls a face for this part) "and I like music and programming and hate doughnuts". Okay he definitely got the random prize.

"And I thought hating fish was strange" I say with a laugh "what's wrong with doughnuts?"

"They're just, yucky" Sam replies surprising me with his usage of the word "yucky". It's pretty cute. "What's to hate about fish?"

"Okay let's just straighten something out" I reply, moving my hand for emphasis "dolphins and whales and stuff are fine with me. It's the slimy, scaly fish that freak me out. They're just so disgusting. Do you get where I'm coming from?"

"You're actually making perfect sense". God, have I mentioned how hot his smiles are?

"Why does it smell of tulips in here?" he asks after a few moments of silence.

I exhale deeply. "That is a ridiculously long story that is going to have to wait for another time because I do not know where your house is and you had better start giving me directions unless we want to get lost".

Sam directs me to a new part of town where his double storey house is located.

I don't go inside and instead just pull up on the curb neighbouring his lawn.

"Thanks Kurt" Sam says "that saved me from being the third wheel in one of the classic Jones kid arguments".

I knew too well what he was talking about.

"And you better fill me in on that tulips story soon" he adds.

And then, just as he is about to leave, Sam Evans leans in and kisses me on the cheek. Like right on my left cheek with his amazingly perfect lips.

"See you soon Kurt" Sam chuckles as he gets out the car and walks away.

Oh God what just happened?


End file.
